Beautiful, God-Fearing, Loyal, Community, Love, Children, Animals, Hard working, Church.
I miss Africa. I miss waking up to that damn rooster, and the animals that walk around freely everywhere; it’s as much their home as anybody elses. I miss being close to the stars. I miss the community that I will never know in Canada. I miss the care that everybody has for their neighbors. I miss the smiles that every single person you pass shares with you. I miss their strength, and their trust in God. I miss their church, and how it brings them more joy than anything. I miss the children who have no cell phones, no laptops, but more happiness than I have probably ever had.
I had hopes of “waiting until marriage”.That moment during the first dance when you can say, “I can’t wait for tonight”.That was my dream. In the Summer of 2003, at 13 years old, my reality became something completely different.I was no longer going to wait until marriage; but it wasn’t my choice. I was sexually assaulted. I was blamed. “Your body language said you wanted it”, “It was a simple misunderstanding”, “You should have communicated better”, and “You were on my bed”. Others blamed me too; often indirectly (as nobody knew exactly what had happened).“What is wrong with you?”, “Why are you so needy?”, “Stop being so promiscuous”, “You are way too boy-crazy”. I blamed myself.I believed everything that others were saying, and for a long time, refused to acknowledge that I had been raped.Because rape implies lack of consent, and I let myself become convinced that my being on the bed was consent enough.I now know that consent, enthusiastic consent, required much more than being on a bed. My journey to healing has been a tough one, and a long one.But it’s been a beautiful one.I’ve gained more than I ever lost.Maya Angelou once said: “I can be changed by what happens to me.But I refused to be reduced by it.”This is so true. My SlutWalk is much more than a controversial word.It’s a movement made up of people who believe that there is no such thing as implied consent.It’s a group of people who are wanting to give the voiceless their voice, and the powerless their power.It’s a community that I am happy, honored, and proud to be a part of.
‘It seemed funny to me that the sunset she saw from her patio and the one I saw from the back steps was the same one. Maybe the two different worlds we lived in weren’t so different. We saw the same sunset.’
Yesterday (or maybe two days ago, as I write this), I started back at the Laurel Centre. I feel like I went through a hundred different emotions about going back there; I was happy to be getting help again, I was frustrated that I’m still having nightmares and needed to go back again, I was thankful that I’ll be going a couple times before summer, and so on. But the feeling that I was having the most was being upset with myself; I thought I was okay. When I left there a year ago, I thought that things were better. I know people always say that it’s a “process”…and for the most part, I’ve always accepted that. But I thought that the “worst was over”. I was shaking on the bus ride to get there, and as I was heading up the steps I stopped and said “here we go”. The second I took a deep breath, the door blew open a little bit; be it wind, or some random act of God…it was the moment that I knew I was okay. I’m glad to be back there. I like the comfort of the grandma-chair, and my pillow. I like my counselor. I like that if I don’t know how to say something, she lets me write it on paper instead. I’m gonna be okay.
I was served this question via e-mail recently, and it’s something that I struggled with earlier this year.
“Quick ethical/pratical question: A lady has 500 dollars to donate. She attends three confrences during a week: a. child hunger in africa, b. economic development in aboriginal reserves, c. cancer awareness. First, how do you recommend she deciedes where to give the money? Second, how does she explain to others the logic she used to divide the money? Yourself being one aware of multiple social causes, I’d be curios how you respond to this scenerio. “
My response: “I think the issue of multiple social causes competing for our time and attention is a very real thing. I suppose my answer would be, to donate where you feel led. Out of those three things…for me, there are two that my heart is really with. And one more than the other. I would probably give 300 to child hunger in Africa, and 200 to Cancer Awareness. Africa has a special place in my heard because of my trip there 11 months ago, and I desire to go back. But, my grandmother is a breast cancer survivor. So - does that mean I think economic decelopment in aboriginal reserves isn’t worthy, or doesn’t need resources towards it? Not at all. But I think that in this world, you can’t do it all. You have to pick and choose based on where your heart lies. And my heart is with Africa, and with a disease that almost took my grandmother. I think part of it also could be the giving of time, and the giving of money. I tend to be a very practical person in the first place; I would rather go and do, than give financially. It’s just who I am. So while I volunteer with Siloam Mission - I would probably not donate financially, just because my financial resources are limited. Having a sponsor child is important to me. I might not ever get to meet that sponsor child, but I think that the power of relationship is a beautiful thing. I love the work that World Vision does. But again - donating money to them just isn’t something I can do because I’m not financially stable right now. But can I donate time once every three weeks to work sponsorships at an event? I can. I think this is why the TOMS approach has been successful. Everybody buys themselves shoes; but it’s that much “better” and fulfilling if you buy yourself shoes and KNOW that somebody in need is going to get the other pair. You therefore are filling a need of somebody elses, by filling a need of your own. And no money is spent on marketing, because the shoes are actually quite aesthetically pleasing. I guess I didn’t really answer your question the way you might have expected. But I suppose my answer is that it should be done however you feel is most important to you. And that sometimes, maybe donating your time, talents and energy is just as, if not more effective than financially supporting an organization/cause.”
I have a “Verse-A-Day” Bible app on my phone. It gives a verse and followed by commentary. I loved yesterday’s commentary so much. It was so applicable later that evening when I got some frustrating news about my student loans. It was a perfect reminder. I love how God works like that.
